THE MISS MEATFACE
HANDBOOK FOR MEATMAIDS
(Self-published ‘vintage’ spiral-bound book:
£35 or £37 signed plus p&p £3.80 in UK)
Reviewed by Tony Mitchell
‘So you want to be a Meatmaid. The first question one must ask is: “Do you have what it takes?”’
So begins Miss Meatface’s introduction to the Handbook which, she explains, was ‘created to be your constant companion throughout the rigorous Meatmaid transformation and training process’.
And who wouldn’t want to keep to hand this charming and highly instructive volume, with its appearance of having been secreted for decades under the bed of an elderly relative who has finally relocated to the local twilight home for the terminally perverted?
As with Miss Meatface’s long-demonstrated commitment to documenting her own life as a masked and fetishistically-clad Mistress of Kitsch, this new Miss Meatface Handbook sees her embarking on a selfless quest to educate those whose only wish is to serve.
And to this end its illustrations feature extensive appearances by Miss Meatface’s favourite Meatmaid, leaving one in little doubt about how a Meatmaid should dress, or behave — or indeed expect to be punished by their BIC (Beloved In Charge) should they fail to follow those earlier rules.
Here are some randomly-chosen examples of instructions, all appropriately illustrated in the book with photos by the author…
‘You must understand the important role the mask plays in the total Meatmaid transformation.’
‘A Meatmaid must always know their place and make every effort not to upstage their BIC in wardrobe choice or presentation.’
‘Every surface of the house must be spotless and shined AT ALL TIMES.’
‘Q: What’s the difference between a Meatmaid and a foot stool? A: There is no difference, they are one and the same.’
And so on and so forth.
Miss Meatface’s dedication to perfection and total control was surely behind her decision not to entrust the production of this essential tome to the coarse manners and inky fingers associated with conventional printing.
Rather, she has manually typed out all the chapter introductions and photo captions on an ancient typewriter, and lovingly arranged these texts on each slightly foxed but satisfyingly robust spiral-bound A5 page — of which there are just over 100.
The visual artifice does not, however end there. Flip through these pages and it appears at first that the author has painstakingly affixed by hand, to its respective page, each Polaroid print (all of which appear to be new to this volume).
But this is in effect an impressive optical illusion, as I eventually discovered. For, dear reader, each image is not stuck on at all but is integral with its page — a fact that, try as one might, makes it impossible to rub one off.
And yet, and yet… there are items that really have been manually affixed to a couple of the pages.
On page 38, you will find three ‘tactile examples’ of ‘appropriate Meatmaid uniform materials in the form of little square fabric swatches.
There is latex for you to feel, as well as satin and what is universally described as PVC but is usually PU (polyurethane) coated fabric.
And at the very end, affixed to the inside back cover, is a darling little pink envelope, tucked inside of which is a miniature but still legible contract between a BIC and their Meatmaid.
Surely the perfect end to the perfect manual, and something every self-respecting Meatmaid should aspire to!
2023 MISS MEATFACE & MEATMAID CALENDAR
(£16 or £18 signed, plus shipping)
As well as the Handbook for Meatmaids, Miss Meatface has released a 2023 Calendar. With a cover plus six pages of 200gsm photo-
graphic paper printed on both sides, each month features a large landscape-format, Polaroid-originated-image. What a great way to be constantly reminded of Miss Meatface throughout the coming year.
MEATMADE HANDBOOK LIMITED EDITION COLLECTORS’ PRINT PACK
(£200 plus shipping)
Limited to just 25, these luxury Meatface treat packs include the Handbook for Meatmaids (signed), a signed, frameable 10x12in print of the Handbook cover and a signed Meatface & Meatmaid calendar.
Links to the relevant Miss Meatface Big Cartel pages are below: